Getting curious about entitlement – what’s convenience got to do with it?

Entitlement.

A word that’s popped up so frequently in the conversations I’ve had with leaders over the last two years. These are typically conversations about wholehearted daring leadership, courage building, enhancing trust, and all with the goal to achieve the strategic business results with energised, motivated and engaged employees.

Often when entitlement is mentioned there is frustration, uncertainty and armored leadership that comes up with it, hanging in the air like a big question mark. I am sure there is resentment mingling amongst the reactions. 

Here’s the thing I can’t help but get curious about this. What’s the root cause? How do stealth expectations play a role? What is to be done?

First off, as this word entitlement has come up, in German sometimes as ‘Konsumverhalten’, I keep coming back to one thing. Something that surrounds us to such a degree it may easily be overlooked. That is how over the last decades we‘ve been working so hard on making everything as convenient as possible for the individual. 

Examples? Banking, messaging, picture taking and sharing, self-promotion, information accessing, holiday booking, traveling, recruitment etc etc. A latest example that popped up with my software update with an app that will more or less do your journaling for you at the end of your day*. 

So we have basically communicated to people it is important everything is maximally convenient for you. We will trade you convenience for your money and that convenience will validate you are living life well. Yet now we are surprised when we feel our employees display entitlement. Is entitlement not asking for that convenience? For what I deserve?

Second, let’s talk about stealth expectations. These are “A desire or expectation that exists outside our awareness and typically includes a dangerous combination of fear and magical thinking. Stealth expectations almost always lead to disappointment, resentment, and (more) fear.” from Dare to LeadTM.

Both parties – on the ‘non-entitled’ and ‘entitled’ side – are likely harboring stealth expectations. We all do so often throughout our days. On the one side a leader doing their best to build a great work place and on the other side an employee with unexamined messages about being clear on what they deserve. Does reading these two sides already shift something in your thinking? The thing is as Dr. Brené Brown says – stealth expectations if not voiced can lead to disappointment, resentment and fear – that is walls that build up and disconnection from each other.

Finally, what can be done? To not let the uncertainty and resentment build walls, the best first step is to tap into curiosity when the feeling arises. Notice it and get curious about what’s happening. You can always begin with yourself and check about your stealth expectations, were you hoping for a certain reaction? Why? And also include asking questions with your colleagues and within your team to normalise reality-checking of expectations, and their underlying explanations. OK, everyone. Do we think there are any stealth expectations we need to put on the table? What does this mean to you? What is this really about?

I say this as I believe we have to not let the uncertainty lead to walls and instead let curiosity from all sides show where behaviors and reactions are coming from. Not easy but worth striving for. 

Sources: Dare to LeadTM, Dr. Brené Brown and Atlas of the Heart, Dr. Brené Brown

*Side note: This refers to the new Journaling app that has appearred on my iPhone. Not having to reflect whilst journaling may defeat its valuable point, it will surely be a good activity and people tracker if that’s what one seeks. And it’s worth checking the fine print and privacy settings on this new feature, in case you don’t like other people’s phones collecting you having been around them for their journal prompt that eve..